watermelonshake

I am in oblivion. I am lost. I am scared. These are the nearest description I have for me now. Today I had viewed death viz a viz. Facing death is unexplainable. Though death is the surest destiny our lives would go, it still got this simple yet extraordinary impact on our living. Some people may regard death as the end while some as the beginning. I on the other hand view it neither the end nor the beginning. It is our day; our judgment day.

I was informed that my paternal grandmother is dying. All my childhood memories with her came flashing back. Its sad to note that we only have few memories together. But few as it may seem, the memories I have with her are priceless. I cannot remember the last time she went to our place. It was probably my sisters wedding and they have to leave the very next day. But I still remember her last words before leaving. I’m not sure whether she told me this when they attended my sisters wedding but every time I remember her, these words will always be heard. Be good dot, and listen to your mom and dad, love your brother and sister and I love you….

All the memories are flashing back like a video clip, and I cant help but shed a tear. Oh the pain... the sad part is, I’m here, miles away and I cant even thank her for everything.

She is dying
And I cant help myself but cry. .
To die is to live
And in heaven we should believe.

Grieving me,



brAt

I have been an idealistic person ever since. I have these eerie views in life that nobody understands – not even me sometimes. There are things that are confusing me now. A lot of things that have been inculcated ever since are making me confused. Oh well guess I have a lot of streamlining to do….

I just don’t get it. How many people have been looking for the greener pastures when in fact, greener pastures are just behind the corner of the mind. Satisfaction comes along. According to studies, mans nature is never satisfied of anything. A very good example of this is Bill Gates. He has billions in the bank and a lot are still on their way and yet, he was quoted that if he was given a chance, he would not live a rich life. What does this mea? The man famous of breaking the boundary of computer technology is not happy with his life and rather be living a normal life? How can this be? He has everything; he can afford anything yet he is not happy. He is leading a life that envies a lot of people around the globe. Some people wanted to be him. However, to be him is to be unhappy dissatisfied, frustrated and stressed. Who would want to live a life like that?

Mans nature is never satisfied. He is never contented of anything. The only question I have now is --- When will this stop? When will this illusion stop? Man is being trapped by so many standards, so many rules, etc… these rule have been deviating to the main purpose of our existence. It deprives us, man to enjoy the beauty of living in the only planet that provides life! Don’t get me wrong here but this is what I feel. The rules are being made by man and this is what I don’t like about creatures with so much knowledge!!! They are ****sh*T!! Viewing life as this, I think I may be crossing the line. But I cannot stop!

I was thought to stand up for what I believe in and this is what I believe in. I believe in equality and no anonymousity. Nobody greater than the other. Nobody wiser than anyone. For knowledge is the greatest barrier we have in our faith! The Gnostics were the ones who started all this. They are the one who are confusing the people; be it in the past and the present era.

Now moving on, why am I telling all these? Because man is never satisfied of anything; be it of faith, knowledge, love and money. Why is man never satisfied of anything? Because we were taught never to be satisfied! And that’s the reason.! This is baloney! This is life!



Delusional,



brAt

The World Cup is coming I am very eager to watch the matches. I really didn’t put too much attention on these matches before, but now; I just can’t get the hang of it. I’d like to watch it on a big screen. I heard somewhere in hamdan a big screen will be provided wherein everybody can watch. I already had plans to watch a game there. Having apple flavored sheesha and some spicy chicken shawarma. I really want to experience the thrill..

Talking about watching on screen, our cable connection was disconnected yesterday. John talked to the cable people and told them that he wanted to subscribe the world cup channel. The cable man knowing that the subscription will last only for 3 months declined and said that the world cup channel is for AED 1,000++ which is good for a year. john had no choice but to tell them to discontinue our subscription. Last night, the shows where only the normal channels I was lucky to get a glimpse of the charmed and the oprah show.


I hear the bells ringing

A close friend told me that she will be getting married next year. I was so delighted to hear the news. She had a handful of hardship on her past relationships. She cried tons to tears; she made other people laugh at her just for the sake of the love she believed existed. In other words, she was a walking hopeless romantic gal. But she didn’t gave up on her belief. She kept looking, waiting and praying for the one destined for her. Luckily she met this man in a toast masters meet. The lucky man is an attorney. They both loved public speaking and they both love nature and they both love spending time with each other. Aahh love, really works in mysterious ways… sad thing is , I wont be there to celebrate the very precious day with her. Too bad…

I have a new music video on my friendster john made it and sent to every body on his address book. My sister said it is so cool. She even likes the music. It is a bisayan alternative band and their songs are so nice. They are johns friends from high school. Click here to view the video.

nice huh?

brAt

Yesterday was ‘the day’. Everything happened as planned. We; john, dj and I went to the church to attend the tagalong mass wherein we were tasked to do the offering. Dj for the candle, and john and me for some gifts. I was so proud watching dj walk down the aisle. Though he didn’t really touch the candle, he was just tagging along but the thought that he was walking down the aisle makes me so proud. He was sleepy the whole time and I just tried to wake him up and told him that he will be walking the aisle. Oh well.

We went home immediately after the mass. Late afternoon yesterday, I heard dj screaming in pain. I was inside the room resting and playing with my baby benedict. Everybody was in fright so I decided to go out so see why my son was crying in agony. He was complaining of pain around his elbow. I wanted curse, I wanted to cry, I wanted to shout but I kept hold of my emotions. Then I told john to go immediately to an orthopedic doctor to consult and do the necessary things. We waited for the doctor to come. The wait was agonizing knowing that my son needs immediate help. Finally the doctor came. He just asked what happened then did some karate moves to dj and walla! The pain is gone! I felt very relieved after the manipulation of dj’s arm. Dj suffered from a dislocated join on his elbow. Just imagine the pain he had to endure. I just thank GOD that people are blessed with knowledge on delicate things as such this.


Thankful & blessed,


brAt

A lot of things have happened in the past few days that changed my views as a person. The philosophies that I have kept since time in memorial are being tested.

Social blood!

My baby benedict is having a very hard time nowadays. Hs is having this allergic reaction which I believe causes his mood shifts. Every time it is a bit hot, blister will come especially on the face particularly around his eyes and mouth. Last night I decided not cover him with blanket. My experiment was proven to be correct. The blisters vanished overnight! I therefore conclude that heat is causing my sons itchiness; and that staying in a hot country is not an option. Haha! My benedict has I believe inherited a social blood as I call it. he is having a sensitive immune system and therefore need lots of caring and loving and super lots of understanding. I love him.

Operation lost and found

In other news, I went to Splash last week and got a hold of some nice items. I wanted to try the items but to my astonishment, the line was sooooo long. This is a normal thing in Splash when they are on sale. So anyway, I decided to just try it without going to the fitting room. I left my bag at the side and tried 1 item at a time. Everybody was busy and so am I. So to cut the long story short, that was the last time I remembered where I put my bag. The next thing I knew, was when we were about to leave. I realized something is lacking. And it WAS my BAG. Nothing important was there though except for some cash and my ID’s. The thing that bothers me most is my katangahan I mean, me leaving a bag in a place full people of different cultures. I talked to the supervisor who was also busy roaming around and said: sorry with a crowd like this I cannot help you. How arrogant of him. I approached the security guard he asked me to describe the bag and where I left it. Good thing there are still good deeds embedded on some people. And I got my bag back!! yehey!!

Sidebar

I have been tweaking things on my template and found out my sidebar was lost. It cannot be found anywhere on the main page. I will just try to leave it as is until I’ll find better options on what to do. Subsequently, nobody will be able to track my links, my profile and my archives. I will be trying to fix this thing as soon as possible. In the meantime, please bear with my ignorance on these template things…. (I only have 10 units of computer class in college. This is not my major!!!)



Ignorant me,

brAt

My tagalog has been tested today. I had spoken to the Senior Manager of some bank regarding their statements and their debit advices. I can feel that the anger and the pissed side of the person while talking to her. She kept silent and before talking, I can hear a very long sigh of anger combined with grief which I believe made her more like a normal bank employee. But she kept her composure and made me admire her for being such and made her sound like a manager that way. She thought that the problem was on our side and that our representative was the one on leave. I told her that the recon team was complete and that they have been having the same problem last year when the representative left for vacation… Clearly this was a mistake on their part and not from us. When I told her that, she came to her senses and told me to call back tomorrow to know the outcome. She will be calling their office and ask of the status of the statements and the advices… I just hope that this issue be resolved soon. I don’t want to talk to some manager and talk about debit advices and statements and all the accounting words… its not just my calling.. heheheh but I can manage during desperate times like today. And besides, I love to have this feeling of being in control sometimes…hahahah. And I love the thought that someone here needed my help as a Filipino. It’s just amazing!

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My boss is going to Dubai!!! Yepeeeeeee!!! This means I can blog!!! Yehey!!! I will be posting this entry and I will just be blog-hopping!!! See yah! Have a nice day!! :)


Having and awesome day,



brAt

Sunday, everything was a mess. Both my sons are suffering really bad. Dj the eldest is having a hard time with his constant vomiting and diarrhea. Benedict my second baby was coughing hard and sometimes vomits caused by the phlegm in his lungs. Every time he coughs, I feel like crying and wasted to pain to transfer to me.

I decided to take off not only because my sons are not feeling well but also I wanted to be there to comfort them in times like these. Before calling my boss, I asked myself if I am ready for any consequence this act has for me. I had no answer. But I believe that being a mother is a lifetime job and my job is just part of being a mother. Lets say they’ll kick my butt off because I’m no use, and because my priority should be work work work, and family should come next then, that will be the time to let go. No company offers that kind of priority list. (I hope)

So yesterday was a very hectic day for me. I was a 100% mother. I fed them, clean their butts, and all. To top it all, I wasn’t able to take a bath!!! Hahah! Anyway, I still felt this sense of accomplishment doing things for my sons. Yeah I know I am not a good mother but I’m trying to be one. I still have to weight things like work and kids because I cannot have both at the same time. I am a bit confused right now. I am also a bit guilty. These confusion and guilt comes together for me especially when things like these happen to my kids. Is this normal for me to feel this way? Is it normal for a working mom to feel like I do? Oh my.. I’m so confused. I think I’ll better read some books….

Doing those things to my sons made me remember my time when I was sick. My mom used to do the same to me… When I was older, I used to tell myself that I will be a doctor or a nurse…haha it never happened… or maybe it will. it is never too late.. hehehe I just don’t know!

The other night john I and saw this segment on national geographic about the worlds most amazing moments. It featured everything amazing. The Pinatubo eruption was there, the sacrifices people in the Philippines do during lent season (self-beating and all) and the person who crucifies himself on good Friday as his promise to the Lord, the tsunami and all the stuff. On the other segment, it features weird people. One person wanted his tongue to be cut into two pieces. The process was done by person who does those things and he is not a doctor or anything closer than that. We saw the whole process and it was so gross. The commentator said, if the tongue heals, he can move both sides of his tongue separately. And this will probably make him quite a fine kisser…EEEEWWWW! Imagine the guy you are kissing has two tongues? Would it excite you or not? As for me, I’ll just stick to johns and I don’t want to entertain the thought…. This is getting weird… I am getting weird. I’ll just stop leaving this saying to ponder…

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

A mother,
A sister,
A friend,



brAt

My weekend was so lame. Both my sons were not feeling well. Dj is suffering from throat infection again and benedict is suffering from cough and a little bit of cold. I believe he got this from dj who really wanted benedict to be by his side and so with benedict. They both love to hang with each other. They share benedicts crib. They play toys be it a car, a ball or anything together. I love watching them play with each other. But late afternoon yesterday, both are suffering really badly with their illnesses which made them irritable and moody. Dj always wanted to be carried while benedict wanted to lay down and rest. The problem is dj wanted benedict to be with him. Which means that if dj is carried being carried, he wanted benedict to be carried by the same person. Beat that!

Early evening came, john left to go to his office to finish some work. My in-laws wanted to go buy some groceries at Carrefour. So I suggested to just leave without letting dj know. We were on the computer visiting barneys site. Then after maybe fifteen minutes of watching, I asked him if I can go to another site and he said yes. I let him do the typing of my username and the password which made him feel so proud coz I kept telling him he was good. Then I blogged for a while then I realized he fell asleep.

It took me this long to realize that your kids are your biggest fan. This is so true with dj to his dad. Dj has grown up knowing that his dad plays basketball. When he was younger, we used to watch johns game every Friday. Now we seldom watch johns game but if we do, we make sure the kids are there to cheer him. Last week dj had the chance to watch his dad play. He cheered. I was so amazed that this young kid cheered for his dad that I wasn’t paying attention to the game. Oh I love my kids…

My benedict is my baby. I mentioned in my last post that 3 new teeth are coming, I was wrong because four new teeth are coming. Every time he nourishes himself on me, I get this eerie feeling of being cut me with his new teeth. I wanted to wean him but every attempt I make; I end up giving-in to his need. I wonder when this ordeal has to end.

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The countdown of Benedict Johns first birthday begins. I am happy that dj will be here to celebrate his bros bday. I just hope everybody will stick to the plan….

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In times like these, my greatest suffering is to wait for the results.
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I took leave yesterday… I’ll probably make another entry about my leave….




Till next time,


brAt

I have been out of the blogging world for more than a week. I was busy with things at work and at home; things concerning my babies and other personal issues.

My benedict is growing each day. He is learning a lot of things and I can’t help but be proud of him. Seeing him do big leaps from clapping his hands, waving good bye, smiling and laughing when I tickle him offer such a good relief and provides me inner strength to face my daily struggles. Three new front teeth are coming out. He is quite irritable but other than that, everything is fine. He is also learning to balance himself while standing and after a few months I can picture dj and benedict playing together.

My dj is johns small version of himself. He is his mini me. They both love shoes and basketball. Oh, and last week we went to the mall and found a nice pair of shoes for dj. Dj loved the shoes, when he tried the shoes on, he assumed that he was playing ball he jumped and shots the ball on the air. And he kept saying the shoes were nice. Oh kids they can be so fascinating. We bought the shoe anyway.

My little benedict on the other hand was so thrilled to see a lot of things not found at home. He was very sleepy but wanted to see things in amusement. Bottom line is, he fell asleep happy and awestruck. I on the other hand, had this strange feeling of happiness and guilt. Happy because my babies are happy and guilt is there because I know I should have done better. Spend more time with them and all… think I’ll take a weeks leave just to spend time with them. Nah.

Writing about my kids can make me go on and on…. I guess I’ll just stop here at the mean time.
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A close friend is having a baby. She waited for so long for this baby to come. I am in high hopes that everything will be okay. I wish her all the best, good health, happiness, safe pregnancy and most of all, I wish her baby a happy and blessed life. I cant wait to see her offspring.
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May. This is the month that my niece Zoë was born. She was born the same day our grandmother was born. Cool isn’t it.
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i am lost
help me find my way
lead to me to the day
where no confusion can come my way.

I have been struggling
With lots of things mind blowing
And now here I am begging
End this nonsense ranting.

Lost,
Confused,
Paranoid me,



brAt